bringing bollywood back: a thesis

we live in the diss age. it's a social truth that we're an opinionated and divided species, now more than ever before, which is crazy if you think about it. actually it's not, i just made that up. but i'm pretty sure sociology and anthropology have my back. my point being, saying whatever you think is fair game now, even if you hurt something or someone along the way. an opinion, simply is.

now i'm probably not talented enough to produce a diss track against new-age bollywood, but what i can conjure up is a diss thesis. or what essentially amounts to spewing bullshit until kingdom come. those who know me can confirm this skill.

yes. i think new-age bollywood is hot trash. and i'm not sorry. now question, what do i mean by new-age? which is valid because as i inner-monologued, i wondered if i could pinpoint an exact moment when my disgust was evident. short answer: no. i'd say roughly anything post 2014. not everything, because exceptions prove the rule. but my judgement still stands: bollywood now sucks.

has bollywood always sucked? (rhetorical exposition)

some might argue quite strongly that bollywood has indeed always sucked. and i mean, okay take, but disagree. i grant okay, because setting aside national pride for objectivity, indian cinema does itself no favours to its apologists. yes, we have a strong film culture. south asian people, we love our movies, and we hold them near and dear. but that makes it all the more worse, how fragmented our industries are.

indian cinema has such an exquisite heritage. its history could suffice a few phds let alone this psuedo-thesis. film has united our people through hardships and heralded us into the age of freedom. be it different genres or languages,

consider this: literature, arthouse, philosophical, mythos, masala, pulp action, music;

even further: tolly, kolly, molly, bolly, golly, and the lists don't ever end

we had a set of film industries that innovated, explored, carved niches and moulded styles. we had visions, and we had identities. we did it all, or at least we tried, which matters most. but in the process, its become this monster unto itself. and right now its worse than ever. a microcosm of things as they were, are, and will be.

looking specifically at bollywood, is to stare at the elephant sipping sprite on your couch, waiting for some more snacks. bolly hasn't ever been the bastion of social progression. nor has it been backward beyond oblivion. striking a meek balance between maternal figures and bombay bombshells, it catered to a burgeoning demographic: an aspirational (hindi-speaking) indian middle class trying to make its own way. grappling for social and economic progression, tempered by a broadly unspecified sense of indian values ('humare sanskaar').

sure parallel cinema is where its at. but the peeps with a few rupees to spare in the 60s-80s don't want to spend it watching bad things happening to sad people. give them a show. some dishoom. some oho aha. some 'mere paas maa hai'. in doing so, we created celebrity cults of personality akin to hero cultures, and this financial behemoth of an industry. so, has bollywood always sucked? i say no. yes it peaked and dipped, and hasn't always been strictly black or white, morally speaking.

no it hasn't (if you skipped the exposition)

but the fact is, sholay is amazing. it's hindi seven samurai with equally iconic characters, dialogues, and scenes. think gabbar singh. think basanti. what about yeh dosti on a bike sidecar. 'holi ke din dil khil jaate hai'. 'yeh haath mujhe dede thakur'. that's just bits and pieces of a cult classic off the top of my head.

what about silsila? bombay's greatest real life love triangle on screen. casting director was so out of pocket, it actually made for cinematic excellence. tulips in amsterdam, extramarital affairs, and a burning plane. absolute peak.

the original gol maal? i mean comedic gold right there. anand and its 'babumoshai' tape. the gut-wrenching threads of loneliness and morality in saaransh. bawarchi. jaane bhi do yaaro. namak haraam. amar akbar anthony. aakrosh. deewar.

i suppose you'll see that my repetition has a point. yes, everything wasn't always great and perhaps we didn't make casablanca or citizen kane. but there was a way we did things, and you know what? we made good movies.

and this is pre-peak even. i haven't even started on the good stuff. the class of bollywood movies that really itches the right parts of my sentiment and consciousness. i am of course talking of the shah rukh era. the post matinee single-screen silver age of bollywood.

india, at the turn of the century was this amalgamation of problems and potential. it to me is no coincidence that as our economy is liberalised in 1991, there's this tectonic shift across all spheres of influence, society and culture ushering to a new age. and in so doing, a new bollywood. (marked most starkly by the arrival of this one guy from delhi, who for better or worse will have changed this nation by time he hangs his boots. but that's another thesis.)

best bollywood begins

a guy and a girl on a eurail train to switzerland. she hates him. i hate them. as they're stranded in some hill-station near jungfrau lip-syncing to music, i'm hoping knives start flying soon and bodies start falling. and yet somehow through sheer will of bollywood magic, suddenly they fall in love with each other. then these 2 spoilt nri london residents fight against the might of amrish puri's sanskaars to be with each other.

oh yeah, also karan johar acts in this movie. and no one will ever rationally explain to me why there was a subplot between anupam kher and some random lady. and why did they have to go to switzerland to meet each other, they literally live in london, what even are the chances? there are so many things that are stupid and wrong about this movie.

and yet. palat. tujhe dekha toh yeh jana sanam. running to catch a train. ddlj is indian cultural heritage you know. there's a reason they still play it at maratha mandir (insanity). there's legacy and influence that it leaves in its wake. after all, its yash chopra. let him cook.

coming to my nemesis, karan johar. man i hate him so much. his mere existence infuriates me. not least because everytime i see an electric guitar i am reminded of a scene from his directorial debut. i can hear the lyrics as i type. i fear as though i have brain damage. and yet for the life of me, i can never forget that song. mujhko kya hua hai, kyu mein kho gaya hu. pagal tha mein pehle, ya ab ho gaya hu.

why does tina move from oxford to wherever it is they study? who keeps a summer camp in shimla? why is the daughter setting her dad up? and why does he marry that unibrow? for the streets if you ask me. and little anjali annoys the living shit out of me. farida jalal and anupam kher again. no notes for johnny lever, you the goat man. even sallu bhai is here. and even though i so desperately want to dislike this movie, i can't. kuch kuch hota hai is bollywood heritage.

3 friends go to goa. akshaye khanna falls in love with an alcoholic. preity zinta has curly hair. saif is just saif-ing. tanhayee. srk is the adopted son of the big b and jaya ji. the 6-fingered dancer is their real son (i will never understand why abhishek bachchan was not chosen to play this part, but more on that some other time). another family in tatters because of that unibrow. nri life with hindustani values, some unforgettable music and an emotional reunion in the mall later, a happy family.

that's just 4 movies. yet every one of them a timeless classic. still holds up to this day. yes how i watch them has changed. what they mean to me has changed. but that these films signify the best period of our mainstream movie industry, is without hyperbole or dissent, the undisputed truth. you want more proof? fine.

preity zinta is sad and depressed in new york. enter srk in his peak as aman mathur to change her life. saif is there as the least believable gujrati guy. you'll laugh. you'll cry. you'll sing. you probably won't dance. you'll want to visit new york. but most importantly, you'll remember that you watched kal ho naa ho.

i think srk has only ever been good in 3 of his movies. genuinely good i mean, not just his usual charm. kal ho naa ho. swades. and chak de india. i have my reasons but this i believe to be true. and this modern classic stands up as testament to the fact that when we try, we can make a pretty good film.

om shanti om. remember when deepika padukone started her career as a revered beautiful indian actress opposite srk who played an actor playing an extra who gets reborn as a famous actor who can remember his past life as an extra. and also let me use this opportunity to just say, deepika will you marry me?

and then the very next year he plays a complete nerd who works in the punjab utilities and power department and marries anushka sharma whom he secretly joins dance classes with. who incidentally suffers from un-moustache syndrome whereby she is unable to distinguish between the same person with and without a moustache.

then there was the one where he has an extramarital affair with rani mukherjee. i hesitate to comment on this uniquely iconic piece of modern indian culture. except to say that kabhi alvida na kehna was extremely out of pocket and yet a certified classic.

what about ta ra rum pum. the movie that taught me most about financial stability. also why was saif a racecar driver in new york? why does he not know how a credit card or emi works? and why has no one done a study on the psychological impact of that glass-eating scene on indian kids aged between 4-6?

taare zameen par, the movie parents used to scare their kids into submission, which i still won't watch as a 20 year old because i have enough problems in my life as is without itching to re-traumatise myself. or jab we met where kareena kapoor gets on a train and just annoys people. and then shahid kapoor has hallucinations and becomes a business genius because of her and then they marry after a great joke about ganne ke khet.

3 idiots. yjhd. znmd. chennai express. bunty aur babli. golmaal. dhoom (2). bhool bhulaiyaa. not one of these movies is anything like the other. and yet every single one of them in time has come to be what i know and love as bollywood. characterised by excellent music, unique stories, and a delectable style, these films make us who we are. they aren't always great. sometimes we hit and quite often we miss. but in the process we produce a body of work that stands against the test of time

worst bollywood begins (and i end)

i don't want to watch ananya pandey in a movie. sorry. i'd have to be paid money to do that. i'm hating on you too archies. zoya akhtar was never a great director and frankly i'm happy that people finally see that. and whichever pr agency tried to convince me alia bhatt is a good actress yall can stop now, i'm never getting convinced.

sara ali khan and sonam kapoor, if i have to hear one more time how hard your life was, i will make you watch your own movies. whoever is in the delusion that sandeep reddy vanga can construct a sentence of coherent english, please give me whatever you're having. even sanjay leela bansali, i'm looking at you too, this heramandi stuff is sub-par, stop hiring your niece.

because that is the crux of the problem. we've become okay with mediocrity and garbage. we've let it thrive in that industry with all the nepotism that goes on, and now people manufacture box office numbers and hire pr agencies and focus more on trying to sell themselves and pretend they're doing a good job at it, rather than actually try to focus on what they're making and put in an ounce of effort and care into it.

i refuse to watch the modulated garbage that comes out these days because all i can remember is how we had it good and we've let the bad stuff fester and rise to the surface. why this bugs me most is because this is exactly what happened to bengali films. from mrinal sen and satyajit ray and uttam kumar and soumitra chatterjee, we've come down to not being able to make one decent movie in the last decade.

and if they are persistent on this massy, meaningless, low quality films that have polluted theatres in india for the last 7-8 years, then soon there will be nothing good that will ever be made. stop hiring your children and nephews and nieces. pay writers. get filmmakers with auteur sensibilities. make new music instead of destroying every good old song. and at least try to make an original movie.

look at independent movies like newton or article 15 or masaan or bareilly ki barfi or andhadhun. studio films, i'd say dangal. is it so impossible to try and stumble your way into making a good cohesive piece of media and literature? build it and they will come. just put some effort. don't waste it all.